On Your First Birthday

Today you turned one. I remember, so vividly, when you were placed on my bare chest, a short 365 days ago. You were looking up at me with those big eyes, not crying, just trying to figure out what in the heck just happened, much like I was.

I like to think that you felt the same indescribable energy that surrounded me, now that I finally had my baby in my arms. Who would've known that same energy would follow me around for the next year? I wonder if you feel it too?

Now I'm not implying that you haven't caused me to question my sanity once or twice. I'm just talking about the sense of peace, pure love, & belonging that I have continued to feel since that exact moment in time.

I have been your mother for one whole year. 

I have watched you crawl, I have watched you smile, I have watched you observe, I've watched you walk, I've watched you grow into a person of your own for one whole year.

Now when you look at the length of a year on the grand scheme of things, it seems so small. But, when I analyze the impact that this particular year has had, I then realize that this minuscule year has changed the course of the rest of my life.

This past year you have taught me:

1. That your dad is the absolute greatest life partner out there.

2. That having a slurpee a day will really take away the pain of sleepless nights.

3. That you don't need to sleep in a crib, we just need to invest in a bigger bed.

4. That my breasts are magical and my breast milk is worth more than gold. *shout out to one full year of breastfeeding!* 5. That I can now add "excellent multitasker" onto my resume.

6. To bring a change of clothes for both you, me, & the person sitting next to us no matter where we go.

7. On top of now being a mom, I am also a doctor who got her degree from the University of Google.

8. The importance of loving myself solely because you deserve to understand the importance of loving yourself. 

9. That a car seat is practically a torture chamber.

10. That you love boxes more than you love the toys that came in them.

11. That the words "what is in your mouth" will forever haunt me in my dreams.

12. How important my tone of voice is & how having a calm demeanor when I'm trying to explain not to do something is much more effective than yelling.

13. That I will always look at pictures of you (even from the day before) & squeal about how little my baby was. 14. That you will never, ever, love me more than I love you- & I'm totally ok with that.

15. And finally, to take in every single moment. Not to dwell on the past & not to look too far into the future. Just to sit back, & embrace the present.

I never thought that I would be able to determine your personality at such a young age, in as little time as a year.

From this last year, I now know that you will most likely be the class clown. Why? Every night at dinner you put on a show for us. You'll do all of your "tricks" like say your name, do your cheesy smile, blink very hard when we ask you "where's your eyes", fake cry, fake laugh, fake sleep, you name it. And you do it all to make us laugh. You get such a kick out of it & once your work has been done, you just go back to eating like nothing happened.

I also know that you are a limit pusher & you will take pleasure in testing me. Like when you waddle over to the light sockets, look at me, & shake your head no. Or when you pinch me & immediately kiss it to make it better right after, because you already know that's what I will make you do.

And this one, something I hope never fades away- you will always want Mama's love at the end of the day. It doesn't matter how wild you are throughout the day, how many times you shake me off because you want to walk by yourself if the store, no matter how much you reach for dada, Grammy, the cashier at Target, or the stranger next to us in line. When the sun goes down & it's time for "ni-nights" mama's lovin is the greatest thing to you. In the middle of the night, when I try to put some space in between us, you always inch your way back to me to hold onto my arm, hug my head, or squeeze my finger- just so you know I'm there.

Of course I don't hope you will be my spider monkey for the rest of your life. But I do hope that you will long for Mama's love when you've had a long day.

Remember that energy I was talking about earlier? The one I felt from the moment I met you at 11:43pm, & have felt every waking minute since then? I know you felt it too.

And every single night my heart is filled with love when I am reminded that even after a whole year of life, you still feel it too.

Happy birthday to my beautiful, incredible baby girl. Mama will love you forever.


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