I Wasn't Prepared for this Stage

Sometimes I wish there was a guidebook on transitioning into adulthood. Tell me why they don't teach you how to file your taxes, save for a home, & build your credit in high school? It almost seems as if after high school graduation you're like a little bird learning how to fly, and the world just pushes you off of the tree branch and you're expected to just know what to do.

Newsflash- Mother Nature did not provide us with blueprints for adulting.

That's probably been my biggest struggle lately. Like, I thought that after graduation, especially college graduation, things would just naturally fall into place. But to be completely honest with you all, I MISS COLLEGE.

I initially began writing this blog post because I wanted to provide some guidelines for those of you in this phase, and my pointers for making the adulthood transition a little less painful. But over the last few days, I've realized that I'm not even remotely close to having it figured out myself. These last few months, post graduation, have been rough. I'm sure there are more appropriate adjectives to describe how I've been feeling lately, but after looking in the mirror this morning that was the first word that came to mind. I look rough and I feel rough.

Why did I have this vision in my head that I'd graduate college & immediately be set for life? No one prepared me for this stage... I've worked really hard over the last year trying to establish a solid foundation for myself & my little family, but I'm feeling as if I'm in a game of tug-of-war.

Since graduation in May, I have applied to countless positions, went on a trillion interviews, & have spewed so much positivity out into this universe that my name could be Oprah. My car has broken down a total of 4 times, & we've been bouncing around from house to house, living out of our suitcases.

The truth is, I got so comfortable with our routine, independent lifestyle in San Francisco, that I honestly feel like I have been placed in a cage with a lock on it.

Yesterday, I actually had a meltdown. I went to grab some lunch on my break & my car wouldn't start. The same car I just paid $250 for to get towed from the side of the road 2 weeks prior. I called Adrian from a bathroom stall, sobbing.

I remember feeling a plethora of emotions: frustration, embarrassment, & the biggest of all, defeat.

I told him, "I just don't understand. I'm trying everything I can to make things stable, enjoyable, and comfortable for us, but things just get thrown back in my face. Like I'm being mocked."  I said, " I just feel like a joke. I don't have anything figured out. I always have car problems, we don't have our own place, & to top it off, everyone knows I have a baby. I just look pathetic."

Venting like that, something I don't very often, just brought on a bucket load of more tears & gross snot dripping down my face.

What he said to me (in between my nose blowing) really hit me hard. He placed everything into perspective.

What I made of his speech to me was that no one is placing this so called "pressure" on me other than myself. We have an immense amount of support from my family. My grandma is so graciously willing to watch our daughter everyday and give her all of the love in the world while we work hard. We are fed and we are clothed. Although it's not my ideal position, I have a job. We are on the right track to being in our own place within the next couple of months. We are in no rush by my family to be out on a certain date, resulting in the ability to save a ton of money.

Basically he told me to *hand claps in between each word* chill- the- f- out.

You see, my problem is that I set these goals for myself and if I don't reach them instantly, I beat myself up and look at myself as a failure. It's a bittersweet quality to have, really. On one hand, it constantly pushes me to be better. It makes me strive for greatness. It makes me set new goals for myself when I have accomplished another. But on the other hand, it's just not good for my soul. It causes me to questions myself, and my abilities. It causes me to overlook my accomplishments & place myself at lower standard than I deserve.

If I can take anything from these last few months of trial and error, it's best said in the words of my spirit animal, Oprah:

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough."

And of course, one that sums up my feelings about having a great man in my life:

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

Thanks for always riding the bus with me, babe.

Be patient. Be kind. Strive for more. But please, whatever you do, don't downplay everything you have worked hard for.

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